​From the moment I saw the first mince pies being sold I would start my own grumpy Christmas campaign.  I could rant for hours about the pointlessness of Secret Santa and it was best not to get me started on those bloody adverts with the perfect families, with their perfect presents and their perfect lives. 

Cut to a few decades later and my twenty year old self would not recognise the woman who, on Saturday 1st of December, cheerily dragged her other half to get a Christmas tree whilst singing Christmas songs (out of tune, that hasn't changed) and merrily munching her way through a box of mince pies.  
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​There are a three reasons why my attitude towards Christmas has changed over the years.  I'm not gonna lie, the first was down to pure luck, I met my partner and that certainly helped.  The second was down to pure hard work in my own counselling, I explored my grumpy defence mechanisms and the sadness I carried around for not having a family like in those poxy adverts.  The last reason however is why I continue to enjoy Christmas, and why I am writing this blog,  I learnt how to take responsibility for what I needed over Christmas & say No. 

In nutshell I have learnt how to:

1. Think about what I really Need over the Christmas period.  I think about my health (physical, emotional; mental); my bank balances health (!); my need for safety etc
2. Evaluate and prioritise my needs so I can decide how, & with whom, I want to spend my Christmas
3. Express my needs to my loved ones (& not so loved ones) which includes saying No when I need to
4. Defy the urge to feel guilty for not conforming to the traditions or doing what everyone else expects
5. Stick to my guns!  Not being persuaded to change my No to a Yes by the well meaning (and less well meaning) people around me!

If these steps sound familiar then it's because they are the same steps as 'The NEEDS Method', the 5 steps to saying no which we explored in my last blog:  Learn how to say No (and how to avoid the common pitfalls that lead you to say Yes! 

It turns out The NEEDS Method not only helps you to say No, it also helps you create the Christmas that you need.  So without further ado, let's work out what you need over this festive season and how you can say No.
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Let's begin with...

When people talk about being stressed at Christmas they are often referring to the extra strain the season places on their needs. Whether it be the financial burden or an emotional or physical drain, you can always rely on the Christmas season to throw up some challenges.
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So let's take some time to figure out what do you really need this Christmas.  Here are some questions to get those brains cells stirring...

 

Now you have thought about your needs it's time to work out your priorities over the Christmas period.  Identifying your priorities will help you set up the Christmas you need and help you spot when you need to say No!

This isn't as easy as it sounds so let's run through some very common scenarios:
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Health Needs
If you are currently feeling physically, mentally or emotionally unwell then who you spend Christmas with, and how you spend the time, could have a massive impact:

• Health Needs v Connection Needs - Picking who we spend Christmas with is very complex.  When you weigh up your need for connection with your heath needs it's helpful to identify:  Who supports you?  Who drains you?  Who values you?  Who devalues you?  Can you say no to spending time with people who drain you?  If not can you limit your time with them to give you the balance you need?  Or can you make sure you get regular breaks by taking yourself off for a walk or a sneaky Netflix binge?

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• Health Needs v Cultural / Spiritual Needs:  What traditions do you usually get caught up in?  Which energise you?  Which drain you?  Is the 2 hour stint at Midnight mass going to exhaust you for the next day?  Is the sherry guzzling marathon surrounded by 16 of your seconds cousins going to be fun or overwhelming?  You are not being selfish by saying No or excusing yourself from certain activities to look after yourself.  You are valuing and prioritising your health.

Financial Needs
If you are struggling with debt or your bank balance is far from healthy then you need to think about:

• Financial Needs v Connection Needs:  If you do want to be around lots of friends and/or family, but are struggling financially, then make the decision not to put yourself in more debt. Those family and friends who value you (rather than your bank balance) will understand if you explain.  

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• Financial Needs v Cultural / Spiritual Needs: ​ What are you being asked to do this Christmas?  What is the cost £?  Don't feel guilty for saying No if it's going to put your bank balance at risk.  

When we are expressing our needs / saying No it's helpful to remember:

• Clear is kind - say what you need clearly
• Explain why you need it / why you are saying No - people are more sympathetic when they understand why you have made a decision
• Acknowledge people may be disappointed 
• Consider offering something an alternative which you can manage.  Vouchers for babysitting duties or providing alternative dates to meet can go along way

Example: Expressing needs to your other half about where to spend Christmas:

Three tips from a wise(ish) woman (me):

1. Tis the season to be jolly....tis not the season to feel guilty or ashamed.  If you explain why you can't do something then those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter.
2. Looking after yourself is not selfish, it's soooooooo important!
3. Don't get yourself into debt or affect your health for the sake of pleasing others.  

Last but my no means least, stick to what your need.  If it's a No, it's a No.  People will try LOADS of tactics (some passive and some downright aggressive) to get you to change your mind.  Don't fall for it.  The cost of changing your mind is that you are teaching them how to treat you and they will just do the same next year.  Have faith in yourself and your No, defy the urge to feel guilty and stand your ground.  
If they offer you a compromise, or a alternative, don't respond straight away, take some time to reflect on how this will affect your needs.  If it's still a No, it's still a NO!

And finally...

Whatever unfolds this Christmas, at the very least, give yourself the ultimate gift by being kind to yourself.  Keep that voice in your head compassionate, give your body some fresh air and your brain a few moments to escape and relax.  All these little things can make a big difference.

As the 'Learn How to Say No' blog series was inspired by my pooch Paddy, and my need to say No a lot on his behalf(!), it seems only fitting that he should have the final words on Christmas...

If you need help with saying No then get in touch at: ZoeHinett@gmail.com
Alternatively follow me & The Padster on Facebook and Instagram:

​Paddy is an 18 month old cavapoo / Ewok.
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His hobbies include:

• Rolling in mud (the muddier the better)
• Swimming in streams, fish ponds & puddles (the smellier the better)
• Sleeping on shoes, slippers and socks (the stinkier the.....you get the gist!)

His dislikes include:

• Cats, especially the neighbours (awkward) 
• All squirrels (Every. Single. One.)
• Being stroked by strangers 

Okay, so, I don't say it as blunt as that!  I politely respond to the request by saying "No, I'm really sorry but he scared of strangers and he will bark at you".  Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it and yet sometimes it's been quite a challenge.

Firstly there are the people who don't even ask to stroke him.  A bit like the boss who emails you an assignment at 4:45pm and expects it done by 9am the next day.  I turn my back for a few seconds and a hand comes out of nowhere and I have to say "No" mid lunge!  

Then there are the people a bit like your Great Auntie Joan who offers you a bit of  her infamous Fruit Tart and, even though you say "No", gives you a massive slice anyway.   ​

Yes she is part of the 'I Know Better Than You' brigade who ignore my "No" and try and stroke him anyway!  These are similar to the 'I Won't Take No For An Answer' crew, who want to debate my "No".  "But I have dogs, let me give him a treat and let's see".  So I then have to say "No", all over again!

​Lastly there are the people who accept they can't stroke him but then look at me like I'm really mean (kids are particularly good at this).  If that doesn't kick me into a guilt fest then we have the people who decide I need a lecture and a good dose of judgement..."You should have done this, you should do that"!  
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Arrrgghh!  

If saying "No" to such a simple request can be challenging then it's no wonder it gets super difficult when the request is more complex.  

So what's the solution Zoe? 

Well I'm glad you've asked.  

After working with saying "No" for many years I created The Needs Method© - a 5 Step process to saying "No" 

Why call it 'The NEEDS Method'?
Well when someone makes a request, either spoken or assumed, we make a decision to say "Yes" or "No" based on how the request will impact our NEEDS.

Let's walk through each step...

The first step to saying "Yes" or "No" to a request is to identify which NEEDS will be impacted by the request.

Us humans have LOADS of needs.  From our basic needs like needing to be safe and physical needs like sleep, food, water etc to our spiritual, cultural, financial and emotional needs. 
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A common pitfall which leads people to say "Yes" when they need to say "No" is they don't know what their needs are.  

Here is a handy list to remind you of your NEEDS.

So let's use the request to stroke Paddy as an example.  The NEEDS impacted are:

​Safety Needs:  As we learnt in part 1 of my 'Taming Negative Thoughts' Blog series our brain automatically scans for danger so we are always assessing our safety needs.  So in this situation my brain thinks.....does this request:

1. Put Paddy's safety at risk?  Answer: Yes as he sees strangers as danger
2. Put my safety at risk? If I say "Yes" or "No" will either option put me in danger?  Answer: I believe not.
3. Put the requesters safety as risk? Would Paddy barking in his face put this older gentleman at risk?  Answer: Maybe, it could be an unpleasant shock for him.

Emotional Needs: Another common pitfall which stops people saying "No" is underestimating their emotional needs.  Thousands of years ago humans needed to be part of a tribe in order to survive so we needed to be liked.  While this is now not a safety need as such, it is indeed very common emotional need as we don't like to feel shame or guilt.  If I say "No" to this request l risk getting the disappointed face or a rejecting or judgmental response.

Societal Needs: Society deems I abide by the law which means I am responsible for Paddy's behaviour therefore I have to ensure he is not putting anyone at risk.

​Requesters Needs:  I also need to think about the other persons needs.
This is especially important if the requester is your Husband, Wife, Partner, Daughter, Great Auntie Joan because saying "No" may have an impact on the relationship and therefore also on our need for connection.

So in this situation it's pretty easy.  He is a stranger and I can assume he wants to stroke Paddy for connection, he needs to be safe while he does it and he needs to be treated with respect throughout our interaction.

The next step is about evaluating the impact because once we know our priorities we can work out if the decision is going to be a  "Yes or a "No".

Here are three most common pitfalls that people fall into leading them to say "Yes" when they really need to say "No":

1) People place more value on other peoples needs than their own.  Please forgive the shouting here but I feel really strongly about this...

Your need to feel safe, your need to go home at 5pm and connect with your other half, your need to sleep or self care, your need to look after your physical and emotional & mental health REALLY  MATTER.  

2) People buy into the myth of Selfishness V Selflessness.  

• Selfless - Putting other peoples needs first all the time is NOT noble.  You can do it for a short while but it ultimately means looking after your self LESS and eventually you won't be in a fit state to help anyone else anyway!
• Selfish - Putting your needs first does not mean you are doing something wrong or that you are a bad person.  Humans need to fulfil their needs, it's not optional, if you neglect your needs your health will deteriorate

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3) As I said earlier people underestimate their emotional needs.  They may prioritise their need to be liked or to please over other needs.  If saying "Yes" is going to affect your safety, get you into debt, affect your physical or emotional or mental health then disappointing someone in that moment is far more appropriate than pleasing them​.  Trust me, I know how hard it is, I liked to be liked too but the cost of doing this is too high!!
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If we go back to the request to stroke Paddy I could weigh up my decision in a few different ways.
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Evaluation:  If I fall into the common pitfalls then I will prioritise like this:

• If I don't value my needs, or the Pooches, then I put this strangers needs first and say "Yes".
• If I think I'm being selfish then I say "Yes"
• If I want to please this man and avoid his disappointment/judgement then I say "Yes".

Evaluation: If I stay out of the pitfalls then I will prioritise like this:

• Safety of my dog and the man is the top priority here.  My need to follow the law here is my second priority.  My need to be liked, and his need for a moments connection, is much lower so my decision is to say "No".

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There is an art to saying "No".  How we express our response depends on who is making the request and how are they asking for it.  Here are some guidelines:
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Request: Polite from a stranger

• I will wrap my response up in polite language

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Request: Impolite/rude from a stranger

• I will respond as above because I am a 5ft female and my need to remain safe is paramount

Request: Aggressive from anyone

• When it's an aggressive request it will be firm "No" and I will leave the situation as fast as I can

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Request: From someone with more power Eg: Boss asking me to do something just as I'm about to leave work

• I will be polite, say "No" and explain clearly why I've made the decision​

So you have said "No" in an appropriate way and now you have to deal with their response.  As we saw with the relatively simple request to stroke Paddy there were two responses which could invoke a guilt or shame fest:  

• The Disappointed Response : Defy the urge to feel guilty.  They may look very disappointed in your decision but remember you haven't done anything wrong and you are not being mean!  I am not being mean by putting everyones safety first so I defy the urge to feel guilty!

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• The Attacking & Judgemental Response: Defy the urge to feel shame.  You are not a bad person for making this decision.  You have the best of intentions and have really thought this through.  Don't beat yourself up.  I know I'm doing the best I can as a dog Mum so I defy the urge to feel shame! 

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Lastly S is for Stick to your NO because the 'I Know Better Than You' brigade and the 'I Won't Take "No" For An Answer' crew will challenge you!
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Top Tips for how to Sticking to your "No"

• Unless the requester gives you more information / makes concessions which will change the impact on your needs then stick to your "NO"!  Even if person has had dogs all their life I'm not going to let them stroke Paddy because he will still be scared
• Resist the urge to be wound up by this behaviour, responding aggressively won't help the situation, take a deep breath and give an assertive "No"
• Don't let anyone force you into a "Yes".  Even if Great Auntie Joan puts a big slice of Fruit Tart in front of me I'm going to thank her for the thought but I'm not going to eat it.  Why?  Because if I eat it I'm teaching her to ignore my "No".  

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What now? 

• Get practising saying "No" and if you need some 1 to 1 support then contact me directly at: ZoeHinett@gmail.com
• Like my social media and get alerted when my next blog "How to Say "No" - a Christmas Special" comes out in early December!

​My brain could spiral out of control in 2 seconds flat!
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​Back in the day I use to try and tame these negative thoughts by eating cake, drinking alcohol or taking some time out.  The cake usually helped for 5 minutes, pushing 10 minutes if it was chocolate, but then I use to feel guilty for eating the cake (which is a whole different blog!).  Alcohol helped distract my brain for a good few hours but in reality all it did was delay the spiralling thoughts till 5am the next morning.  (Why oh why does the brain think 5am is a good time to think about everything???!)

When eating and drinking my way through didn't have the desired effect I use to take some time out.  Whether it was a duvet day, a weekend away or a holiday, it would always make a world of difference to my stress levels.  I would turn off my phone, grab a book and R-E-L-A-X, then after a while this magical moment would occur...

​I’m a recovered negative overthinker. 

There I’ve said it.  Maybe I could have told you that in Part 1 of this series (click here if you missed it) but I think now we are acquainted, and you’ve got to Part 2, you’ve earned the right to know.  It started when I was nipper, gathering speed like an Eastenders Christmas plot in my teen years and catapulted me into my early adult life with more holes in my self-worth than a block of Swiss cheese. 

To be honest most people wouldn’t have noticed, I’m naturally an introvert, I wasn’t taught to ask for help and I was very good at hiding it.  Don’t get me wrong, I could function, I got through my education, paid the rent and made friends but my brain was not in a good place.

​There are lots of things that have helped me to stop overthinking, firstly as we found out in Part 1,  negative thoughts are natural and our brains way of surviving.  This was such relief as I realised I was normal!  (Okay so I’m not a massive fan of the word normal so let’s substitute that for typical - it was natural and lots of people did it.)

​What also helped was to learn about my favourite types of unhelpful negative thoughts.  Yep some psychologist somewhere has identified specific types of unhelpful negative thoughts and as soon as I start looking down the list it was like someone had been listening in on my brain.

​If I share with you my brains top 3 types of unhelpful thoughts howsabout you to go through the list and pick out yours.  I’m not asking you to share them with me (or the internet) but this is going to be super helpful as knowing your favourite types is key to taming them.

How does that sound?  We got a deal.  Okay let's go...
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Here are my brains top 3 Unhelpful Thought Types…